I'm not good at writing about emotional experiences in my life, first because I've always been awkward at dealing with emotions, and second because they're just difficult to talk about sometimes. But, along with helping someone perhaps feel less alone, I'd like to share one story in order to (hopefully) release it. Having come from a family that was broken apart with only a golden few I could trust, the family I found in my close friendships growing up was extremely important to me. I had three people in my life that were my soulmates from a young age, but then as college approached and then we went to our separate schools, they started changing for the worse. The change started in high school, but I couldn't recognize it, especially because I never validated my own emotions and blamed myself for any poor treatment. It wasn't until a few years later that our friendships completely ended. I tried desperately hard with each of them, but in the end they were all the same. Essentially, they treated me like I didn't matter and blaming me for feeling hurt by their behavior.
I should have cut them out of my lives earlier instead of dragging it to the bitter end, but I was way too attached to do it. I already had abandonment issues and this pushed me over the edge. On top of other mental illnesses, it was only because of my mom and sister, along with a few close friends from college years, that I could get through this time in my life. As the cliche goes, each of those betrayals turned me into who I am today. I am far stronger and more loving toward myself than I have ever been, so I think it's all worth it. I learned so many lessons about our connections to people and how to be happy in our relationships, too.
Sometimes it's hard not to resent them when I think about them at times, so I'm hoping I can finally find a way to release them for good. I feel like it was all a lifetime ago and bearing a grudge does nothing but hold me back.