Seeing my parents fighting disbelieving in relationship and marriage

Story by Anonymous

I am late 20 years old who has a full-time job, makes enough to support myself. I have a degree, I have wonderful friends and a partner. As I encounter more people in my age getting marry or getting pregnant, I am constantly fighting with my emotions and thoughts. I want a family but at the same time, it is difficult to trust in marriage or partner as I grow up seeing my parents fighting all the time. 

As I think back about my childhood, my parents always fought with small things. I never seen them expressing love and gratitude in words. Every morning starts by them looking each other with disgusted eyes and asking their schedule. Never seen my father giving her flowers, never seen mom showing appreciation to him for fixing things at home. As I started going to elementary school, my mom begins venting out to me after their fights. As venting becomes a daily habit to her, my father started seeing and reacting to that situation by considering me as an enemy. He looks at me with a nasty eye and considering I am a threat to him. He begins to ignore, yell and verbal abusing at me as a part of raising a child. Listening her complaints and dealing with father's behaviors caused me a stress and begin to distrust in a relationship and marriage. One day I asked her why they are still together, she said it was because of me. She needed his financial support to raise her child, in other words she cannot divorce because I am chaining her down. The cause of their unhappiness was me, that's how I interpreted.

I was devastated, I tried to commit a suicide few times. But I couldn't do it.

I didn't receive any support, nor did I have any information about therapy during that time. However, I managed to escape the situation by distancing myself from my family by participating to summer camps, eventually leading to my enrollment in a boarding school.

Even I am late 20s and thought I am healed from the incident, it has impacted me in my own relationship. As I have a habit to turn back and run away from arguments, I am not open in a relationship. I hide my opinions and prioritizing partners opinions instead of mine. I am scared for expressing my needs, I am scared of being turned down by arguing, I am scared of being not loved. So, I wear pretty clothes and smile a lot, acting a perfect partner to maintain a peaceful relationship. Because of it, I don't believe in marriage. I rather live full and die early alone.